I got to admit this – I cannot feel anything that’s going around. Not that this is the first time that this has happened, I go numb often. But it’s different this time. I lack feelings now, not because I don’t have any, but there is just so much. There are so many things to think about, so many emotions waiting to be felt, so many colors running through the veins, so many things falling apart and so many things coming together. I just can’t decide which piece of information to process first and which emotion to feel. And in this phase of indecisiveness, all I end up with is this hollowness.
I am hardly two papers away from graduation and there is a whole storm full of things I am ideally supposed to be doing and that, infact , I want to do. I want to feel nostalgic about so many lasts of my college life – the last time that I will be rushing through the college gates because I am running late for my first lecture; the last time that I will be rushing through the inch-packed canteen, fighting over that perfect plate of fries or the cup of coffee after tedious lectures; the last time infact that I will be attending those lectures – sometimes because it’s my favorite teacher and others because well – Bro! you cannot graduate from DU without attendance; the last time that I will be walking through the corridors and will randomly run into my juniors and they will just make my day so much better; the last time I will be scanning my eyes through the library to find that perfect corner seat; the last time I will be wandering aimlessly in the lawns between lectures; the last time i will be an undergraduate and the last time I will officially be a part of this vibrant lovely universe.
There are so many things I go numb about. Your favorite bunch of people surprise you on your farewell and you don’t feel anything. The not-so-good-friends get you cake and lunch to surprise you and you don’t feel anything. Your favorite teacher writes you a personal hell long letter for your farewell and YET you don’t feel anything.
I want to feel. I want to have that jaw-hurting smile. I want to have that lung choking tears. I want to have that heart-aching nostalgia. I want to feel that mind bending gratefulness. But instead, I just feel numb. Empty. Emptiness with just so much around.
I have tried hard, not that I am giving up. But I believe, something that can cover up for all these missing myriad shades of emotions is – Thankfulness. Thankfulness for the lessons, for the successes, for the memories, for the love and for the lovely family I own here. I have reasons to come back now. Thank you for the reasons.
I guess leaving will be easier when I actually finally leave. It’s OK. There is no way I could have been prepared for experiencing these things. I find it comforting with the thankfulness. It’s time to trust the magic of new beginnings – for though, may be not perfect, but I had a great time graduating.